Do you remember..

Dear Diary,

When I said I was having memory problems I wasn't joking, I've had at least two great ideas for diary entries but I've forgotten what they were. I remember enough to know they were really good ideas, but for the life of me I can't recall what it was I wanted to write about.

It's the same when someone asks what I did yesterday, or last week, I couldn't begin to tell you aside from the obvious got up, got ready, ate food (though I sometimes forget to eat food too)
Then when my mum rings and she's all "remember this person from your school days, I saw them in Tescos the other day and they asked after you," and I'm sat there wracking my brain and drawing a blank.

Even my husband complains I tell him the same thing several times over, I just don't remember telling him the first, second or third time. I'm not sure if I'm not paying enough attention to the world around me because I'm fighting a rise in my depression or if it's a sign of deeper troubles. Dementia does run in my family (alongside other mental health disorders) but I'm pretty sure I'm too young for it to be that, yet.

I do wonder from time to time if it's my own doing, in my twenties and early thirties I had some very bad experiences, and I didn't want to and still don't really want to recall them. So I've done my best to throw those memories down a black hole in my memory and I fear other memories slipped in with them as it's hard to separate memories cleanly.

Or I don't pay attention enough, regardless of how hard I try to pay attention. It is hard to focus on one thing at a time I've found, my mind runs relentlessly over many subjects at once, not even useful subjects, more like;

'Remember that thing you did aged 21, how embarrassing, I bet everyone remembers that and laughs at you'.

Of course the upside to a terrible memory is I can watch David Attenborough documentaries on repeat and only realise I've seen it before after about four re-watches. No one can have too much David Attenborough in their lives.