Me, Myself and Low Self Esteem

Dear Diary,

I have low self esteem.

There I said it, I don't suppose it's that much of a shock to anyone who's read other parts of my blog but it's also not something you just come out and say point blank like that. Most people with self esteem issues hide them, hide them behind the good old 'fake it till you make it', or just plaster on a smile and pretend all is good with the world.

Because to admit you have low self esteem means opening a can of worms as to why, why is my esteem so low. Why do I have such little confidence in myself, why do I think everyone is better than me, better looking, better at their jobs, more knowledgeable and generally worth more than me.

And to be honest with you, I have no idea why, I have suspicions given the varying things that have happened over the course of my life of course, years worth of bullying both by fellow students and then by my first husband certainly didn't help.

But there's no one thing I can point to and say, "that's what did it", and maybe I don't need it to be that one thing, the constant flow of smaller things have added up over the years to do damage to my psyche, damage that I pretend isn't there. I'm a huge fan of 'fake it till you make it' and most people meeting me would have no idea that I'm a nervous wreck inside.

I'm five foot eleven inches tall, I have hair that has been pretty much every colour and shaved extremely short, I have tattoos and piercings, I'm loud when I speak and clumsy when I move. I don't ever strike anyone as being low in self esteem or confidence.

That's one of the reasons I'm writing this diary blog, because my esteem is playing havoc with me lately in regards to the BSc course I'm starting.

My mind;

I'll never manage it, I'll fail, why am I bothering, even if I succeed at the course I'll never get a decent job from it, I might as well just give up, I'm not that clever, I'm actually really stupid.

Me;

I'm fine.

That's why I'm here, that's why I'm writing this, I've decided that I'm going to try and take the battle back to my psyche and come up with at least one good thing about me a week to share because me, myself and I, am half the battle towards shoring my esteem up and gaining confidence. No one else can do this for me, and life is far to short to spend it second guessing every single thing you ever do.

Wish me luck.