Depression

Dear Diary,

I read an article the other day on how to support a partner with depression and it got me to thinking. See I love my husband to bits, but I don't think he truly understands what's going on when I hit a particularly low patch, he knows I get depressed, he knows it affects me, but I don't think he knows to what extent.

I find it hard to explain to him how I feel because, as strange as it might seem, I don't really like to talk about myself that much, or, I'm waiting for the inevitable, "oh yeah that's bad, but..."

Don't be the person that ever tells a depressed person, "that's bad but..." There are no buts in that persons world, as minor as the event that's affected them might seem to someone who doesn't suffer, to the person suffering it can be the most over-whelming event so far.

That's one of the things about depression, it can totally skew your sense of self and sense of reality, whereas I've been told, for example, that I'm a skilled worker who would be an asset to a team I look instead to the fact it's been two whole weeks and I haven't got another job yet, I'm useless, I can't contribute to the bills, I have no money, I'm valueless and worthless and surely everyone can see that when they look at me.

Of course they can't see that, I doubt anyone looks at me and thinks half the things I think they think and the logical part of my brain knows that, but the depression grabs hold of those thoughts with both hands and does not want to let them go.

I usually get well meaning but utterly useless advice like, "why don't you take up a hobby". To which I really want to respond with, "because I've lost any desire to do anything no matter how much I've always enjoyed it, eating is a chore, waking up is a chore, sleeping is a chore, why would adding an extra chore to my life make me better". But I don't because that would make them feel bad, unlike when I have a cold and I firmly believe if I'm suffering so should everyone else, I don't want to have a heart to heart about my depression. I just want it to go away.

And I get that it's hard for my husband to see me like that, forgetting to eat, not bothered about anything I usually like to do, quiet, sleeping the day away because it's too much to stay awake. And I hope against hope he understands at least that it's not him, it's never him. I've told him that, but things aren't always remembered.

See when I'm like that it's never his fault, heck, it's not my fault either. It's a chemical imbalance going on in my brain that likes to rain on my parade, and it's been raining on me for years. I have good patches and bad patches, most recently more bad than good.

And the way it affects me isn't always the same from event to event, some days all I want to do is eat, other times I forget to eat without being reminded. Some times I want to be left alone, not spoken to just to sit and vegetate, other times I want nothing more than a cuddle and to know I'm loved.

Some weeks it's a big thing if I've managed to leave the house, I'm not lazy, no one who knows me has ever called me lazy, the husband is always telling me to relax more because I usually spend all my time doing chores (or working when I had a job)

But there are times when I can't face the world, and I won't go out at all, and there are other days when I'll go out but avoid people, and yet other times where I go out to a busy area like a city centre and just sit with a drink in a cafe and let life move around me.

I'm not going to now tell you how to deal with your depression, or your partners depression. Everyone is too different for a catchall solve it, but a few handy avoids I will share.

Avoid ever telling a depressed person;

To smile
To get over it
That it's mind over matter
To cheer up
That it's not that bad
To think more positively
That if they think they have problems they should hear what X has going on
Never, ever, ever, EVER tell them to stop their medication if they're taking any. That's not just really bad advice it can be very dangerous.

“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.”

― Leo F. Buscaglia