Depression

Dear Diary,

I read an article the other day on how to support a partner with depression and it got me to thinking. See I love my husband to bits, but I don't think he truly understands what's going on when I hit a particularly low patch, he knows I get depressed, he knows it affects me, but I don't think he knows to what extent.

I find it hard to explain to him how I feel because, as strange as it might seem, I don't really like to talk about myself that much, or, I'm waiting for the inevitable, "oh yeah that's bad, but..."

Don't be the person that ever tells a depressed person, "that's bad but..." There are no buts in that persons world, as minor as the event that's affected them might seem to someone who doesn't suffer, to the person suffering it can be the most over-whelming event so far.

That's one of the things about depression, it can totally skew your sense of self and sense of reality, whereas I've been told, for example, that I'm a skilled worker who would be an asset to a team I look instead to the fact it's been two whole weeks and I haven't got another job yet, I'm useless, I can't contribute to the bills, I have no money, I'm valueless and worthless and surely everyone can see that when they look at me.

Of course they can't see that, I doubt anyone looks at me and thinks half the things I think they think and the logical part of my brain knows that, but the depression grabs hold of those thoughts with both hands and does not want to let them go.

I usually get well meaning but utterly useless advice like, "why don't you take up a hobby". To which I really want to respond with, "because I've lost any desire to do anything no matter how much I've always enjoyed it, eating is a chore, waking up is a chore, sleeping is a chore, why would adding an extra chore to my life make me better". But I don't because that would make them feel bad, unlike when I have a cold and I firmly believe if I'm suffering so should everyone else, I don't want to have a heart to heart about my depression. I just want it to go away.

And I get that it's hard for my husband to see me like that, forgetting to eat, not bothered about anything I usually like to do, quiet, sleeping the day away because it's too much to stay awake. And I hope against hope he understands at least that it's not him, it's never him. I've told him that, but things aren't always remembered.

See when I'm like that it's never his fault, heck, it's not my fault either. It's a chemical imbalance going on in my brain that likes to rain on my parade, and it's been raining on me for years. I have good patches and bad patches, most recently more bad than good.

And the way it affects me isn't always the same from event to event, some days all I want to do is eat, other times I forget to eat without being reminded. Some times I want to be left alone, not spoken to just to sit and vegetate, other times I want nothing more than a cuddle and to know I'm loved.

Some weeks it's a big thing if I've managed to leave the house, I'm not lazy, no one who knows me has ever called me lazy, the husband is always telling me to relax more because I usually spend all my time doing chores (or working when I had a job)

But there are times when I can't face the world, and I won't go out at all, and there are other days when I'll go out but avoid people, and yet other times where I go out to a busy area like a city centre and just sit with a drink in a cafe and let life move around me.

I'm not going to now tell you how to deal with your depression, or your partners depression. Everyone is too different for a catchall solve it, but a few handy avoids I will share.

Avoid ever telling a depressed person;

To smile
To get over it
That it's mind over matter
To cheer up
That it's not that bad
To think more positively
That if they think they have problems they should hear what X has going on
Never, ever, ever, EVER tell them to stop their medication if they're taking any. That's not just really bad advice it can be very dangerous.

“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.”

― Leo F. Buscaglia

I have an interview

Dear Diary,

What fantastic news, I have an interview coming up next week. According to the agency I'm signed up to they were incredibly impressed with my C.V and really thought my skills were transferable to their business.

Technically they're right, my skills are transferable to their business because from the sounds it's almost exactly like what I used to do only a different industry and no manual labour involved.

Even the wage sounds great, and the fact they're based not too far from where I live is a big bonus. The only downer here is it's a nine month contract, so I may not be there forever, unless they really like me and offer me a permanent contract (fingers crossed)

I'm so glad now I went shopping before for clothes to wear to an interview, they say dress for the job you want, and I want a nice, professional job, preferably without anyone rolling around on the floor or groping each other (yes that happened in my last place)

So I'm thinking my nice jumper/shirt combo, smart black trousers and my new leather ankle shoes should look good, alongside my structured black coat and new bag I hope to make a good impression. I'll re-colour my hair as well I think, and ensure my makeup looks natural but nice.

My planned outfit.

Wish me luck, I never realised till recently how much of my self was tied up in having regular work, my depression has been playing up while I've been out of work with the whole rigmarole of telling me I'm worth nothing, I'm valueless, I'm useless, all for lack of full time employment. Knowing I have an interview and that they are very interested in me has perked me up no end, so keep everything crossed for me I get this job.

O.U.G.S and Archaeopteryx

Dear Diary,

I went to my first OUGS meeting this weekend and while the minutes of the meeting went over my head slightly due to being completely new everyone was so friendly and welcoming it was like a family gathering. Even if I wasn't interested in the subject I think I'd return just to be around such nice people again.

This is a huge deal to me, I'm not the worlds most social person and I find people hard to understand so end up annoying them without really meaning to, however, many of the people at the meeting are older than me and that's great for more than one reason; 

Firstly I've always got on better with older people, I was surrounded by them growing up and usually find I have more in common with older people than those my own age. 

Secondly, they've been members of OUGS for years, they've done the courses, they've been on field trips, they have the knowledge and they are so friendly they share that knowledge. 

Thirdly, there was no cliche that I could see, everyone spoke to me and I got to speak to everyone, it felt welcoming and friendly. It really was one of the best outings I've had in ages, and as someone who's had a lot of stress lately due to people treating me badly, it was sorely needed.

There was also tea, coffee and biscuits on offer, a library you can borrow books for for as long as you like as long as they know who has which book and the talks I mentioned in my previous post about OUGS.

I think my favourite talk was, "Archaeopteryx: The Bird-Like Dinosaur" purely because I followed it a bit better than I did the talk about "Manganese Mineralisation in North Wales", I found the second talk went over my head a bit, probably because I'm just starting and don't have the base line knowledge of what much of it was about.

Archaeopteryx casts from original fossils

It is amazing just how clear the feathers are in the fossil casts, they must have thrown people for a spin when they were first discovered back in the 1800s, Darwin had not long written his book on the origin of the species and people were having a hard time accepting that let alone what appeared to be a clear link between dinosaurs and birds.

I also found it fascinating that there is equipment available that can scan the fossilized bone structure, re-assemble it and then determine traits that this animal might have had from the shape of its brain pan..

It does make me wonder if people thousands of years in the future will do the same with us, and what they'll determine from their results though.

O.U.G.S and me

Dear Diary,

I joined OUGS (The Open University Geological Society) before Christmas as that is the direction I will be taking my BSc Earth Sciences course when I get the option. I've loved geology since I was a child, I used to collect a series called Treasures of the Earth, that came with fact files and little samples of gems and minerals in their own display boxes. I'd love to say I still have it, but I have no memory of what happened to it.

Not my copy, alas.

The OUGS run field trips both home and abroad which I thought would be useful in gaining experience from as my course is run online and I'm not yet sure if I'll be able to afford the week on site fieldwork section. For those who can't get to it you can do the fieldwork online, but nothing really sets you up better than actual hands on experience in my opinion.

I'd love to able to say I'd be going on all the field trips abroad as they've been to a few amazing places, Colorado Plateau, Tenerife, Fuerteventura, the Azores, Skye, Newfoundland, Southern Spain, Brittany, the United Arab Emirates, the Alps, Norway and Canada to name a few.

But a) I can't afford to and b) my passport is in the wrong name and I can't afford to update that. I might not even be able to go to all the home based field trips as I can't drive and (you guessed it, can't afford to learn either)

If you get the opportunity to learn to drive take it with both hands and don't let go people.

However, something I can get to is the OUG branch annual general meeting and talks as they're being held in my nearest city, while I've only been a member since December I'll likely have little to do with the general meeting itself just listen and smile politely.

But they also have talks put on for members, one being given by the curator of Palaeontology entitled "Archaeopteryx: The Bird-Like Dinosaur" and the other being given by the senior curator of Mineralogy & Petrology entitled "Manganese Mineralisation in North Wales".

Not a real dino

The latter talk is in preparation for a field trip I can't make to North Wales in May, but I can still go and listen and learn something new even if I can't make the trip itself. And afterwards there's the opportunity to go round the museum in which the meeting is being held. So all round win win for me.

There is also a day trip in April I'm hoping to be able to make, to study coastal geology, not that far from where I live, but far enough we still need a car to get there, I've sent an email asking if my husband can drive me there (but sit the trip itself out, he's no interest in geology) if the answer is yes it'll be my first field trip ever and it's quite an exciting thought.

The sun shined

Dear Diary,

For the first time in a week I actually got dressed and left the house. Between struggling with my depression again and the rain we've been having lately I've had little to no reason to go out. But when today dawned cold but sunny I had to grab the chance to get myself some outdoor time. 

Insomnia

Dear Diary,

It's 4:32 am and I can't sleep.

I go through phases like this, where I can't get to sleep no matter what I do. My usual bedtime routine involves painkillers, which should in theory send anyone to sleep (they're strong enough), however they don't even touch the pain in my hips which is half the reason I can't sleep.

The Water Cycle.

Dear Diary,

I'm still covering water in Topic 1, Part 1 - What is Water of my S111 module from the Open University, who knew there was so much to think about when it comes to something everyone takes for granted.