Insomnia

Dear Diary,

It's 4:32 am and I can't sleep.

I go through phases like this, where I can't get to sleep no matter what I do. My usual bedtime routine involves painkillers, which should in theory send anyone to sleep (they're strong enough), however they don't even touch the pain in my hips which is half the reason I can't sleep.

First I lie on my back, but then my neck and lower back starts to ache, so I move to my right side, then my hip aches so I switch to the left side, then that hip aches, so I move to my front which is actually quite comfortable until my neck starts to cramp so I move to my back again.

This happens all night long.

I'd feel sorry for my husband if he didn't just roll over, go to sleep, then sleep like a log all night long.

The other part reason I can't sleep is because of how my mind likes to talk to me in the middle of the night, did I remember to send in the meter reading, will I get the job I want, will I do well in my studies. Down to the recollections of things that have upset me, hurt me and generally made me angry over the last year or so.

I'm well aware that thinking about those things in the middle of the night hardly helps me, and there's very little I can do about anything at the awful hour of 4.36 am, except write this post of course. However logic rarely wins against the mind that has trained itself well over the last thirty odd years to torment me in the middle of the night.

And if by some pure luck I happen to fall asleep fairly quickly you can guarantee my cat will soon wake me up, she likes to scram door frames, or the carpet, or the chest of drawers... Or my favourite from the other night, puke long and loudly in the bedroom.

I realise I associate my bed and bedroom with a place of, well, misery, to be honest. Because there's nothing enjoyable or peaceful about lying in bed for hours on end, in pain, mentally berating yourself over utter rubbish that can't be changed anyway.

It's certainly not a peaceful haven that experts are always going on about the bedroom being, and we don't even have technology in the bedroom. I've never had a television in the bedroom and I refuse to have anything that has those annoying glowing lights on them, because, when you can't sleep all you do is stare at them until you really lose the plot.

I'm going to have to do something, the first thought I have is a bigger bed, so I have more space to fidget. But unfortunately we can't afford a new bed, nor do I think it would actually fit in our room. Perhaps instead of laying in bed trying and failing to sleep I should just get up and do something else, I suppose that's got to be better than lying there and suffering.

The last thing I want to do is get sleeping tablets again, I had some prescribed once, turns out I'm highly allergic to amitriptyline and all its relatives, who knew. Occasionally I use over the counter Sominex, which sometimes works, but hasn't lately, and I don't want to be reliant on sleeping tablets for sleep because I wake up feeling hungover without the alcohol part.

The funniest thing is, if I can get to sleep I will sleep for hours and hours without waking. Where most people might wake naturally after 7 hours or so sleep, if someone doesn't come wake me I can sleep for 11 hours plus. That's if I can get to sleep, big emphasis on if.

Well it's 5 am now, my warm drink is finished, the dog is snoring, the husband is snoring, heck even the cat is snoring. I guess I should try for that elusive sleep again.

Night night internet.